I sit here in my bedroom trying to think about what to say about my life. First things first, I have a cat and he is a pretty big asshole but he is still my cat. In fact he is laying in my bed, getting his hair on my pillows and making sure it will be hard for me to breathe when I finally decide to go to sleep.
Im 38, guess I have been an artist all my life, at least my friends say I was. I didnt know that when I was younger, despite painting and drawing young I never thought of it as a lifestyle, so instead I chose what every artist should choose, law enforcement… Makes perfect sense right? Anyways we go back many years in my life and it is super violent, always has been. I spent my childhood in a very abusive household, my father was a ‘Nam vet and had a very very serious alcohol addiction. Well, he was also very angry, all the time, and his fists did the talking… also sticks, spoons, belts, bricks, knifes and pretty much anything within arms reach. Needless to say, I got beat almost every day. That kept going on for many many years. My mother was also a victim in all of this too. She didnt come out of this with a good outlook on life either and that sent her to some very dark places. My childhood sucked, bad.
Skip forward a few years and my life is still violent, dealing with the dregs of society on a daily with the work I chose to do. My life for almost 11 years was nothing but death and destruction. Ive worked in hospitals, law enforcement, state security and a lot of other really shitty jobs. Luckly one day that all stopped.
I met a girl, a very amazing girl. When I met her I was still working for the state doing bodyguarding work traveling all over. It was super dangerous, 3 of my partners died that year doing their jobs.
My love for her made me decide to stop doing that type of work and to go back to school. I did just that. Several degrees and certs later I finally find the work that I love doing and open my own shop. Damn, damn is it hard to run a business…
She is perfect, really. Artist, painter and just a truly outstanding human being. I feel like our lives are perfect and they were for a while. We only bickered, never really got into any fights and enjoyed doing almost everything together. It was heaven for me, she was everything I was looking for in a woman. Almost…
just about 10 years go by….
Sitting at the computer together watching stupid videos on YouTube as per the norm. I look at her and have a really weird feeling in my gut that there was something going on. So I looked at her in the face and said “I cant wait til we have a family together”. It was that moment she told me that she discovered she is gay….
My life crashed to oblivion..
The next year and a half will be the hardest years of my life..
There were a couple nights, bad nights. One stands out above the rest. 9pm I walk to my garage and pull out a plastic sheet and bring it inside. Walked to my bedroom mind you with a brisk pace, placed the sheet on my bed. Walked to my safe, opened it and pulled out one of my pistols. Without thinking I loaded one hollowpoint into my magazine, placed it in my pistol, chambered it and off and on knew what my barrel tasted like for the next few hours.
6 hours I spent in the corner of my bed trying to talk myself out of pulling the trigger…
2 hours later I was selling my gun collection…
Depression kicked my ass, beat my face in, almost made me end it all. I saw the darkest deepest void I have ever seen, I have been to the edge and back. It gave me a new outlook on life.
I learned how to think differently and how to push past what was holding me back from who I am. I rediscovered things about me that I forgot about. Being outdoors took on a fire of its own. Getting back in touch with nature I have had time to come to terms with my mortality, what life means and what I really want. I have learned what brings me real happiness and have learned to love myself in a way I have never before.
My outlook on life is, live everyday like its the last, do everything I can, spend as much time with the very few people I love and care about. Make the sacrifices that I need to make to be happy and own every choice I make, both the good and the bad. Life is too short to deal with all the bullshit of society (unless you like that kinda thing).
We are here now. Im 120lbs less than I was in March of this year and we are missing MASSIVE parts of the backstory but hey, thats what the next year is gonna be ok? I have to leave something to talk about for the next several months or this blog is gonna be boring.
Yea, about that, its not a big deal or nothin… PFFT! Plain and simple, my life has sucked, Ive done nothing epic, I have not a lot to claim, Ive got nothing left for me here in SoCal. So why the F not. Now if it hasnt been crazy enough it gets crazier! Its time to hit the hard reset button. I am selling everything I own and leaving nothing here for me to come back to (of course Im not selling my damn cat, he is MY asshole) This is the start of a new person, someone that hasnt been met before. Im putting no end plans on this trip. What is going to happen at the end of the trail you ask? Simple,
I don’t know.
I will talk about what I have been doing to prepare for this and will probably talk gear. Its a pain in the ass being 6’4″ and 300lbs, its almost impossible to find good gear made for robust people, that alone should be the topic of my blog “Big people backpackin'”.
I suck at writing….